Since I’m always blathering on about consent, including consent in non-sexual situations, I’ve noticed a common belief that a lot of people have. It can basically be summed up like so:
- If you’re interacting with someone sexually, you need their consent. (Duh.)
- If you’re interacting with someone of the gender to which you’re generally attracted (i.e. you’re a straight man interacting with a woman), you should be careful and get their consent before you touch them.
- BUT! If you’re interacting with someone of a gender to which you’re not attracted, or you’re interacting with a family member or a friend and so the situation is, in any case, “not sexual,” THEN you don’t need their consent and you should feel free to hug them, touch them on the shoulder, or even grope them “as a joke.”
The reason this is on my mind right now are two articles, and my life in general.
One article is by Ginny over on the Polyskeptic blog. She recounts a disturbing incident in which another woman wanted to get a better look at the tattoo on the back of Ginny’s shoulder and proceeded to lift up the strap of her tank top in order to do so–without consent. A man nearby told the woman off, but she responded that it’s “just the shoulder” and “I just really like tattoos.” And then:
But something the guy said, or maybe just the way I was sitting there rigidly instead of turning around to engage in friendly conversation made the woman realize she was maybe being a tad inappropriate, so she let go of my clothes and patted me soothingly on the arm and said some half-apologetic patter. To which I didn’t really respond because I was still in my “I am so weirded out right now and your soothing pat is STILL YOU TOUCHING ME” frozen zone. And I think by this point she got that I was really uncomfortable, so she broke out the magic words to make it all better: “It’s okay honey, I didn’t mean anything by it, I mean, I like men, ha ha.”
She didn’t realize that which gender(s) she happens to be attracted to is completely irrelevant.
The other piece is on Role/Reboot, and is written by a gay man who witnessed the following scene:
Last Thursday night as I was coming home from work, I noticed a fellow gay man who I have seen around Washington, D.C., at various nightclubs and bars. As we both entered onto the metro, we sat in seats relatively close to a young woman. The woman, who appeared tired, smiled at both of us and put headphones in her ears. In D.C., this is usually a plea tosubtly ask someone to allow you to reach your destination in peace without being disturbed. Since I understood this unwritten transit rule, I respected it and pulled out an article to read. Unfortunately, my brethren took this as an invitation to engage in a one-way conversation.
Slowly moving into the seat next to her—despite no one else occupying his space—he began touching her clothing and body and commenting on the “fit” of her dress. Then he proceeded to touch her hair since he “loved how long her locks were” and “wished he had hair like hers.” Unamused by his male privilege and what he considered to be compliments, she politely said thank you and asked if he could quit touching her.
Obviously not appreciating this young’s woman rejection of his “compliments,” he immediately referred to her as a “bitch,” and told her “it’s not like I want to have sex with you—I’m gay.”
Of course, women are not the only victims of this. On the June 14 episode of Citizen Radio, Jamie Kilstein recounts a scene he witnessed on the subway in which two white women–clearly tourists–sat next to a Black man who had headphones on. They tried to talk to him, but he either didn’t hear or ignored them (reasonable in New York City). So one of the women put her hand on his knee and made a comment about it being a “tight squeeze” on the subway, and he immediately responded, “Don’t touch me.” There didn’t seem to be anything sexual about the situation, but that doesn’t make the woman’s behavior any less inappropriate. (While I don’t want to read too much into this, it definitely makes me think about the entitlement that many white people feel to touch Black people, especially their hair.)
A slightly different but similar thing happens with friends and family. People–especially children–are often shamed and guilt-tripped for choosing not to show physical affection for family members, even ones they do not know well or necessarily feel comfortable around. The assumption here is that being someone’s family member entitles you to physical affection from them, just like being someone’s partner entitles you to sex from them. While plenty of people hold one of these assumptions but not the other (generally the first but not the second), they are cut from the same cloth. And that cloth is the belief that social tiesentail a duty to provide physical affection, and that if you do not provide it, you are being a bad friend/child/sibling/partner/etc.
How does this relate to the three stories I linked to? Well, many people apparently believe that once you take sexual attraction out of the equation, there’s absolutely no reason for someone to be uncomfortable with being touched (in nonsexual ways). If a gay man sits next to me on the train and starts touching me, I have to be okay with that because he’s not interested in me that way. If a straight woman starts lifting up my clothes to see parts of my body that I covered up, I have to be okay with that because she’s not interested in me that way. If a family member wants a hug and a kiss from me, I have to provide them because, well, obviously it’s not “like that.”
(False, by the way. While I am fortunate to never have experienced incest, plenty of people have.)
For starters, I’m really glad that some people have realized that you shouldn’t touch strangers without their consent if there’s a possibility that you’re sexually attracted to those strangers. But why can’t we expand that to people of all genders, whether you’re attracted to them or not?
There are plenty of reasons why someone might be uncomfortable with being touched, regardless of the sexual orientation of the person touching them. Some people have triggers as a result of past trauma. Some people just don’t know your intentions because they don’t know you or your sexual orientation, so they don’t know if you’re a friendly stranger expressing physical affection because…I don’t know, you like to do that? or if you’re someone who intends to harass and/or assault them. And, most importantly, some people–many people, I’m sure–just want to be left the hell alone by strangers. Sometimes being touched by someone you don’t know is just unpleasant, scary, and uncomfortable.
Furthermore, if we accept “but I’m not even into [your gender]” as an excuse for nonconsensual touching by well-meaning folks, that also leaves it open as an excuse for actual predators to use.
Your desire to touch someone sexually or nonsexually for whatever reason does not outweigh their desire not to be touched. It doesn’t matter why they don’t want to be touched; that’s their business. Just like you wouldn’t touch a bag or a purse that belongs to someone else, don’t touch a body that belongs to someone else–which, by definition, is every body except your own.YES ALL OF THIS IS PERFECT.
i had actually never thought about it this way, so thank you so so so much for writing this cause i’m a really touchy feely person and sometimes i forget what that’s like for the other person and this made me really think about my actions and what i do, even on a daily basis
^^ Hey you rock! Thanks for being willing to think about your own behavior and how it affects people. I’m really glad this piece meant something to you.
I want to add that this is incredibly abilist too. As someone on the autistic spectrum, unless I know you really well, I can’t read you. Sometimes I can, if I’m feeling good and I have lots of social energy to burn, but it’s most definitely not a certainty. I literally cannot tell what is intended when a hand is reaching for me. I thought everybody was psychic when I was younger, because of all the inherent non-verbal cues that abound in communication that I was unable to receive. I still remember clearly in late elementary school seeing for the first time a poster with simple smiley-face type chart that labeled the different expressions with the basic emotions that belong to them, and just staring for hours memorizing the whole thing because it was finally explained to me.
I’ve gotten much better as I’ve gotten older, not in the least because it wasn’t until I was twenty and had dropped out of college after two years that I finally got my diagnosis. And because of that I finally knew of the differences between my brain and physiology and those of the rest of the populace. But I still have the days where I literally cannot tell the difference between an I’m-going-to-enjoy-hurting-you-smile and a I’m-being-friendly-and-mean-you-no-harm-smile. Even smiles from family I know care for me and love me very much are suspect, because I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THAT SMILE MEANS.
Because of this, and because my skin sensitivity to stimuli was through the stratosphere when I was younger and is still unusually high… Touch, especially unexpected and unwanted touch, can ruin my whole day.
I also have extreme sensitivities to anything synthetic or minutely toxic. So if you smoke, wear perfume or cologne, use even slightly perfumed soaps, shampoos or conditioners and you come near me, I’m going to be scrambling for clean air to breathe before a migraine hits. A couple of breaths can be all it takes, and even if I do get away before what’s rolling off of you triggers a migraine it’s no guarantee that I won’t still develop a headache or migraine later.
Add to this that if I’m out and about, I’m already being exposed to poisonous exhaust, toxic cleaners, roaring engines, churning crowds, blaring intercoms, shrieking children, on top of having to dodge any choking clouds clinging to people, and I’m already very stressed. So please, please do not touch me without first checking in very clear verbal communication that it’s okay first. And please don’t be offended when I refuse even a handshake when I’m trying to preserve my daily functionality.
So yeah, it’s incredibly easy to violate somebody’s personal space without meaning to. So please, check your privilege too, not all of us can just go out in public at any time with no consequence.
…um yeah, that’s all I have to add.